What a year. I’ve been on an emotional overdrive since January. These last few months have been particularly hard on me and I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt this challenged emotionally and physically. My heart, mind and body hurts.

I knew like all challenges come great lessons and even greater self-transformations but it doesn’t make it any easier knowing. This challenge, I knew without a doubt would bring me a new lesson, one that is significant and would cause a shift towards a new me. A rebirth to someone who I forgotten, amongst many versions of me in the past that got buried beneath life. I knew this would be one of significance, because the challenge, too is of much significance.

This was new. So I knew that the lesson would be something that I could not and would not have anticipated as it would not be like any I’ve learned in the past. A new me will grow out of this. One that I would’ve never seen coming

It’s mid-way now to the time when my challenge physically presented itself to me. It took time. Excruciating time. But I’ve arrived. The doorway to my next path. I see it now. I know now what I’mmeant to learn. What I’m meant to leave behind. What I’m meant to step into.

This excruciating pain that I feel, it is made of fire. It burns. All this time I was focused on my external vision. It blinded me from where the fire was coming from. It was never him. The fire was mine. I’m burning from within. I’m burning through my ego.

I entered my emotional storm and kept building and stacking up rage, bitterness, spite and hatred. My storm grew thicker, heavier and it became harder to see. I lost vision. In my own emotional dysfunction, I lost my vision. And because of the weight and complexity, it will take me longer to disentangle myself, bring down my stacks and balance my equilibrium.

And that’s ok. Because I see that now.

I am not ashamed of my temper tantrums as I make space for my emotions to regulate within my body and express itself. I trust when my energy needs to move, where it needs to move within my body and I acknowledge there is a lot happening externally. I acknowledge that I am getting closer and closer to my next doorway and I honour the inner process that I’m going through as it is the necessary journey for me.

I understand that while I am in this storm, I am also purging my emotions. I know now that this emotional storm, my big heavy, dark, rage-full storm is also strength and might. Powerful enough to clear my ego blockages to paths that I want in my heart but feel that I’m not ready for. I know now that my ego may have been holding me back from recognising my worth and spaces that I can truly thrive in because it was trying to keep me safe.

I’m working through a process of seeing how I’m denying myself and how I’m allowing others to overlook and underestimate me. And the best way to show people wrong, is just to show them.

Honesty. It was about honesty. It was about being honest with myself. To face my truth. The truth of my ego. I needed to be honest about what I’m experiencing and to be honest that I’m not a failure and that I’m not weak. I am strong for being present with myself and I’m strong for always returning to myself through these storms. And now I have returned. I could not see what I had done to myself in my storm. I was looking at the wrong center. I looked externally. I looked at him, and saw everything that was wrong.

But these few months is not a sign that I’ve done anything wrong but is a sign that I’ve done everything right. I let a few months cloud me, consume me, turned me into a spiteful fire that grew and grew each day. And I lost sight of who I am. What I am, and let myself burn.

An Empress. A Phoenix. A Dragon. Because only these powerful beings can go through a process like this as it takes enormous strength to just be honest with what’s going on internally within oneself. This is me. I found myself.

I made the right decision to leave. I made the right decision to take the kids. I made the right decision to leave our lives and start new in this land. I made the right decision to invest in the kids with therapy, with school, with medical needs, with physical needs, with emotional needs. With love, with compassion, with strength. Time, and time, and time again. Over and over again, I kept making the right decisions. Even when they didn’t look like it in the face of it, at the time. I did everything right. And my life, our lives show for it now.

A greater cycle awaits as I am a clay that is being molded now, being transformed. It’s not quite time yet but it’s close. I can feel it. I need to do what is right in my heart. I will do what is right in my heart.

I honour that.

Now, I give myself grace of not knowing what will happen in the face of uncertainty. I disentangle myself from emotional dysfunction, and I centre myself in the eye of this storm and observe without judgment. Acknowledging that I may not be present as I always am. Recognising my conscious will be stressed because I’m going through a process of clearing out what no longer needs to be here, in me and around me.

It may not look like anything is happening on the outside but there is a greater process that I’m undergoing internally within myself. I know that my working internally will show the shift externally as I move out of this cycle and be more assured within myself. I can do tough things.

I know it is a process of trial and error and I know it will not be stuck here forever. I know once I move through this I will not experience this ever again. I am closing the door to what can’t follow me into my future. And even though I might experience similar storms in the future I won’t feel as challenging and as intense as this as I have learned from this and have gained the tools that I need to move around it.

When I am challenged and pressured will I react with spite, bitterness, rage or with peace, love and compassion?

Decisions.

I am the peace, love, tranquility and serenity that I seek.

I am the peace that others need.

I am the stillness that others crave.

I am the compassion that others seek.

I am the gentle voice that calms the storm.

I am my own gentle voice that calms my storm.

This is a process of finding stability within me and being generous to myself. This has been a massive opportunity to unburden myself from my past energy. From obligations and commitments that no longer serve me. I am gaining emotional maturity as I surrender to my emotional process. I am getting rid of my emotional and psychic debris. My manifestations are coming in and I will be grounded when they do. I have more emotional and mental bandwidth to create and walk on my path. I step into a higher order of abundance and of divine unique beauty I release what blocks me and come into my power.

This is my opportunity to set my new foundation for my new beginning. My inner foundation will create my outer world. I step into a greater version of me, an expansive version of me that leads me to new places and new parts of myself that I had never considered.

What has been holding me back and holding me down these few months will leave, and I, reborn. I relax and just be open to receive THE Gift that is about to present itself to me. No more resisting. Time to relax.

I’ve been having it wrong. All this while I thought I needed to do something. To act. To say something. To take charge. To be in control. Control. That too was my lesson. To burn through my ego that needed control.

The truth was that I didn’t need to do anything. Nothing had to change. Because everything, as always, was divinely ordered, beautifully crafted into perfection for me. I lost faith. Because I lost me. I stooped down a level that I climbed hard out of, I went back into that black hole.

But that’s ok. I know now. Everything right has been done. So everything right will continue to unwind in itself, in the right time, as it always has, my entire life. My entire life has led me to my beautiful life and will continue to lead me to the amazing life that lay ahead for me and my kids. I know this to be true. I trust this to be true.

I acknowledge that my body has been on hyper vigilance all this while because it doesn’t feel safe and now that I am, it’s exhausted. I welcome my fever, headache, cough, flu. I immerse myself in this feeling and in this moment because I recognise the worth. This is where I turn my page. This is me, in my cocoon, in hermit mode, purging emotions that no longer serve me. I now rest knowing I’m safe within me. And when I am ready, I will emerge a better me.

Rest Faz. The best is coming.

As for you, my challenge. Thank you for presenting yourself to me, the way that you have. I have learned plenty. I understand now why you needed to stay for the long duration that you did. Because I could not have completed my lesson in a healthy amount of time, with much value and appreciation as I do now if it was a shorter journey. This needed to happen, and without it, I would’ve still been in my old ego state. One which I am now ready to release.

Decisions.

I decided not to correct you for your actions because it is not mine to correct. I only answer to my own actions. And if you regret not knowing what hurt me, then that regret is yours to carry. And if you regret not knowing what could’ve been, then that regret is yours to carry. And if you regret losing, that that regret is yours to carry. And if you carried guilt for all those years you’ve burdened me, that guilt that you’ve left us, and when I first left you, when we left you, when YOU left you, that guilt is yours to carry.

I release my baggage of guilt and regrets that I have been carrying for you. I see now that I carried them for you. My old ego did not let me see this. This, was the vision that was blurred for me. This was what has hidden from me in my storm. I see them now. And these are no longer mine to carry.

No longer the wonder what could’ve should’ve would’ve.

I release you. My magic words for you is, No.